|
| 1827 is the total days I've been a member of Xanga. That's 5 years today. man, it gets sadder to write this every time. oh well. cheers everyone!!!
| | |
|
I thought I saw you at the store the other day. well, I didnt think I did. But the resemblance was just so strong. I had to double back and make sure. I stared for a little while, then I got on register and actually checked her out. was hoping she'd pay with a credit card. she did.... and well... it wasnt you. her mom was right behind her, paid with a credit card also. last names matched. and daddy called while they were in front of me, so i guess somebody really wanted me to be sure it wasnt you.
and I realize that there's no possible way it could have been anyways, I've messaged back and forth a bit with tasha. and I know that it's all just coincidences, that Im simply looking too hard for something that's not there, but still...
I watched as they walked out the door, then I looked down at my hand and noticed it was shaking. my neck was cold too.
I didnt know who to tell so I texted one of our friends and one of my friends.
I didnt think either would know what to say. but Im used to that when I talk about you so it didnt bother me.
I thought I was fine, I thought I was past this stage, whatever it is. Hell I even went my whole birthday without feeling sorry for myself because you werent gonna be there.
But a few moments in front of that girl. and now I don't know what to think again. now I'm back to a few months back repeating dreams and sometimes nightmares. Waking up and feeling helpless and lost because there's no one there. Waking up and knowing that I'm alone in all this, and not ok at all.
and the irony of it all is that if you were here then you'd know what to say and what to do to make me feel better, if you were here I wouldn't be in this state to begin with.
Sometimes, I hate how it all turned out.
| | |
| 4 years of xanga yesterday. Oh how time flies. I miss thee | | |
| And the words fail me yet again. The reason is very clear to me this
time, its not within anybody to describe the impact that one sarah
emmaline adame had in so many peoples lives.
It wouldn't be enough. Nothing that can be written would ever be
enough.
The day I met her was the last day of school my junior year. And it was
the most perfect day of my life.
The day I last saw her was last summer. And after years of and on and
off relationship, years with lots of up and downs. We were back where we
had started. At the end of a perfect day.
It would never be truly over. That's what we agreed on, and we gave each
other an "until the next time".
That next time was 4 months ago, I drove out to san augustine for a
memorial. Sarah died in a car crash along with two other girls.
4 months ago... still seems like yesterday to me.
I gave her mom my infamous ball necklace that day. I told her that everytime I saw sarah, she ended
leaving with a necklace and random things of mine.
If you knew me in high school, then you should know how much me giving her mom that necklace meant.
so many things I wish I could write, so many memories I wish I could share.
But it's too overwhelming, It's still too much. I still cant look at a picture of her without
memories rushing and flooding my head. I cant think about her without gettin depressingly sad.
*sigh*
I kept trying to make this the most ridiculously long blog i'd ever written. I never could.
I guess the memories will stay with me, and me only. I'm pretty open about it though if anyone is
ever curious about me and her.
and dont worry, i've gotten used to the silence by now. I've gotten used to people not knowing
what to say or do after they hear the story. really. it's alright. you dont have to try.
Injury truly knows no justice.
On june 16th, It was 3 months after her passing away. June 17 was father's day
most people know that I lost my dad during the civil war in el salvador. read a couple of pages back,
you should find stuff about it.
so that weekend was looking like it was gonna be pretty shitty what with all the thinking about them.
I decided that I was gonna call my granpa who had been sick for a while and wish him a happy father's day.
My aunt told me that he had refused to talk to my cousin because he (grandpa) was too sick
and he wasnt gettin any better. He was depressed.
It always cheered both me and him up whenever we talked.so I was gonna call even though I didnt think
he'd talked to me like he did with my cousin.
I never found out if he would have talked to me or not.
I never got that chance. My grandfather passed away on june 16th around 6am.
Growing up without dad, my grandpa was always the person I looked up to.
In a few words, he meant the fucking world to me. I'd lost other people in my life. But I knew I still had him.
and thought that he'd still be there for me for at least a little while longer.
I knew I'd lose him sometime soon, but that was far from being any sort of consolation or preparation for
when it happened.
I'll never forget either of them. I'll never forget every moment spent with them.
Everything me and Sarah had will always be with me.
Everything my Grandfather taught me will always be with me.
Sarah
You were everything I never knew I was missing.
I was once lucky enough to be with you. to love you. and to have you love me back.
I'll move on, and start anew. but your memory will always remain.
Jose Martinez, mi querido abuelo
You were the wise man that I, one day, hope to be.
You made my father who he was
and in turn made me who I am today, and for that I thank you.
Lo quiero mucho abuelito. Y lo extraño cada dia que pasa.
Goodbye Sarah 03 16 2007
Goodbye Grandpa 06 16 2007
...Tell dad I said "hi".
  | | |
|
